I have to say, crying myself to sleep every night is certainly an experience.
The fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore is the worst part about being here. Some nights I go to sleep happy and looking forward to what life has to offer, but then there are also those nights I go to sleep with a wet pillow,puffy eyes and a heart full of nothing.
I know the decision I made about coming was a good one but I was never fully aware of the many consequences that came along with my decision. No matter how ready I said I was to leave, I was never ready at all. No one could ever prepare themselves for such emotional stress. It almost feels like everyone I once knew has died and now it's just their ghosts that are haunting me.
On a lighter note......
I spent the weekend at the country house in Malacatos. Ecuador and the US have many differences but the one I notice the most is the way they eat. Every morning I have fruit, eggs, coffee and fresh juice. The breakfast can more or less be similar to a breakfast in the US depending on how you look at it.
Lunch here is the biggest meal of the day. And is also the most contradicting to the US. Everyday around 3 lunch is served. First you get a bowl of soup, usually potatoe or green banana. Then, the main meal normally consists of rice, flavored chicken, salad with spices, and spaghetti with meat. Following that you get ice cream with a warm fig. After ice cream, you get coffee. If anyone from the US can say they get a lunch like that everyday then they should consider themselves extremely fortunate.
Dinner here is usually a snack. Or never eaten at all. I've been here 11 days and have yet to eat dinner.
I'm done writing and want to go sleep forever and ever and ever and ever.
Toodles
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I can't title my emotions today.
"Sometimes I feel like I speak my own language. A language that no one understands. If I'm being pulled under how can I reach out? I feel so close yet I'm so far away. I can't remember what it feels like to not be misunderstood."
This year will be filled with beautiful people and beautiful memories. I have yet to come across an unfriendly Ecuadorian. Everyone here is so warm and welcoming. It somewhat fills the empty void I have for my family.
I met my counselor today. He was really nice and made sure everything was going well. We talked about the trips I'll be going on this year. I'm so excited for the Galapagos trip. I've heard so many amazing stories and can't wait to come back and have stories of my own. Additionally I had my first Rotary meeting tonight. I had to get up in front of everyone and talk about myself in Spanish. What a nightmare that was. I sounded like a robot, I swear they don't teach you anything in school.
My host family is super nice. The family consists of a mom, dad, two sons, and two daughters. I am the only one living in the house though. The house they live in is sosososo beautiful. The grandfathers house is in the country, it's about 30 minutes away from Loja. The house has so much personality. It's stunning. I've been there twice, and each time i've visited i've had wonderful home cooked meals. The whole family (about 15 of us) sit down all together at the table for about an hour and just talk about life before we eat (I mostly listen, considering I apparently know diddly squat in Spanish). At his house they produce sugar cane for alcohol, I got to see how it's produced and it's pretty interesting.
There are a lot of street dogs here. I wish I could just take them all home too cuddle with me. It makes me miss my dog even more.
This year will be filled with beautiful people and beautiful memories. I have yet to come across an unfriendly Ecuadorian. Everyone here is so warm and welcoming. It somewhat fills the empty void I have for my family.
I met my counselor today. He was really nice and made sure everything was going well. We talked about the trips I'll be going on this year. I'm so excited for the Galapagos trip. I've heard so many amazing stories and can't wait to come back and have stories of my own. Additionally I had my first Rotary meeting tonight. I had to get up in front of everyone and talk about myself in Spanish. What a nightmare that was. I sounded like a robot, I swear they don't teach you anything in school.
My host family is super nice. The family consists of a mom, dad, two sons, and two daughters. I am the only one living in the house though. The house they live in is sosososo beautiful. The grandfathers house is in the country, it's about 30 minutes away from Loja. The house has so much personality. It's stunning. I've been there twice, and each time i've visited i've had wonderful home cooked meals. The whole family (about 15 of us) sit down all together at the table for about an hour and just talk about life before we eat (I mostly listen, considering I apparently know diddly squat in Spanish). At his house they produce sugar cane for alcohol, I got to see how it's produced and it's pretty interesting.
There are a lot of street dogs here. I wish I could just take them all home too cuddle with me. It makes me miss my dog even more.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The second I got on that airplane to guayaquil, I shut my eyes and dosed off into dreamland. I dreamt I was back in the arms of my mother at the airport. I dreamt ecuador was a made up place where people go to escape from time to time to get away from their problems.
Everytime I'd peak open my eyes to finally make my way back into reality, I noticed the woman next to me was starring at me. I couldn't tell if my head were blocking the window, or if she was a just a mind reader and my thoughts were so messed up she couldnt even get a signal. Slowly but surely I made a consious effort to move my head and completely open my eyes. As my surroundings became rugged and the pit in my stomach grew, I saw a new horizon. I saw myself through the glass window, waking up in the thick atomosphere of a new country. I saw distant faces of family and friends. I saw a mural of stars that spelt out greif. I woke up with my father and sisters letters sitting in my lap, unread. The last thing I remembered was reading the first sentence of my sisters letter and putting it back in the envople. Tears filled my eyes again but I tilt my head back to avoid the mess.
Once the plane landed I knew nothing in my life was ever going to be the same. I felt pain but this pain wasnt the kind of pain I'm used too. Its almost as if I were shattering into a million peices. Twenty thousand peices of me scattered in New york with the ones I love. And the rest scattered in Ecuador with the ones I have yet to discover. I am the cause of this distruction and I am going to be the one to put myself back together.
Everytime I'd peak open my eyes to finally make my way back into reality, I noticed the woman next to me was starring at me. I couldn't tell if my head were blocking the window, or if she was a just a mind reader and my thoughts were so messed up she couldnt even get a signal. Slowly but surely I made a consious effort to move my head and completely open my eyes. As my surroundings became rugged and the pit in my stomach grew, I saw a new horizon. I saw myself through the glass window, waking up in the thick atomosphere of a new country. I saw distant faces of family and friends. I saw a mural of stars that spelt out greif. I woke up with my father and sisters letters sitting in my lap, unread. The last thing I remembered was reading the first sentence of my sisters letter and putting it back in the envople. Tears filled my eyes again but I tilt my head back to avoid the mess.
Once the plane landed I knew nothing in my life was ever going to be the same. I felt pain but this pain wasnt the kind of pain I'm used too. Its almost as if I were shattering into a million peices. Twenty thousand peices of me scattered in New york with the ones I love. And the rest scattered in Ecuador with the ones I have yet to discover. I am the cause of this distruction and I am going to be the one to put myself back together.
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