Nothing is guaranteed.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."
-Unknown


10 months ago, I was selfish.
10 days ago, I was sad.
10 minutes ago, I accepted reality.


It's taken awhile but I've finally realized I've become the person I've always wanted to be. This isn't an easy thing to admit but I'm proud of myself for being able to conquer everyones doubts. There were those times when no one believed in me and all i had was myself. I'm also proud of myself for being able to be so independent.

-Happiness comes with time.
-Nothing in life is handed to you, just like money doesn't grow on trees.
-Everyday is a new day.
-Everyday I am changing and becoming stronger.
-I'm beginning to build up an immunity to improper feelings.
-I don't know what I want in life but I know that any decision I make will be a good one.

As weird as it is to think about, I'm considering going home. I love it soooo much here but it's just hard SO to be away from everyone I love. I never imagined myself being so vulnerable. Nevertheless I'm giving it more time, and getting everything in order before I make any stupid mistakes.

Language camp was a bust. I don't think I learned anything which is kinda upsetting since my Spanish needs some serious tweaking. I did learn how to make homemade empanadas though!
They were super yummy. Being with the all the exchange students was really fun. Most of us were from the US and Germany. Additionally, Cuenca, is muy bonita! (Very pretty) There is a lot to do there too. Coming back to loja certainly felt good though. I like the way everything is layed out here and I love the markets.

School....IS THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD. I have grown to appreciate my school back in the US. I with out a doubt have taken my past 2 years in high school for granted. I would've gotten straight A's if I just would've applied myself a little more.
The curriculum here is so demanding. Even my ENGLISH class is hard. I give mad props to everyone in my school for being able to put up with it. I have like 87329472 teachers. I've been in school this whole week and every day I've met at least 2 new teachers who will teach us new subjects. They all get mad when I don't know understand. At this point in time I understand just about everything when spoken to semi-slowly. The teachers just speak a million mph and it sounds like one big mumble of words to me.

That's all for now. I think I'm actually still sick so I'm gonna drink some tea and take a nap. Hahahahahha.
Xoxxxxoxox

Hahahah me at supermaxi

I didn't go to school today. My host mom said there wasn't any point since I'm leaving for Cuenca tomorrow anyways and the first day is only an hour and a half since they just go over rules and introduce new students. I'm glad I missed it.
Tomorrow afternoon at 1 I leave for Cuenca. I'm so excited. I heard it's really really cold there, colder then Loja. Whatever, I'm happy I'm going to see to see more of Ecuador.

P.S - I hailed my first taxi today. I was so proud.

To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. -George Lansdowne

Well, I was supposed to go to Malacatos today at 2 for lunch but, I don't know where my host family went so instead I'll update this gloomy blog and start talking about the positives.

Last night the other exchange student, Isabelle from Germany and I went to the big concert here in Loja. I'm willing to bet just about every person living in Loja went. There we're so many people just waiting to get in, you couldn't even walk. And when the line did move forward, you were practically trampled by the people behind you. Isabelle and I actually felt a little disquieted at one point. The craziest part about the whole thing was that it only cost 1$ to get into the concert! Back in the US you probably couldn't even buy a drink at a concert for that much. So anyways, once we were finally in the concert, the music was really good. Of course, I've never heard any of the songs or didn't even understand what was being said, but it still sounded good. Isabelle recognized two songs, which made her really happy. Hahaha. Apparently the musician was really famous, all the girls went crazy over him. Also, I think the music was really romantic because everywhere I looked I saw couples hugging and kissing, it sucked. At the concert there was also a Carnival going on. It was huge. There were so many rides and games.

Recently, I found out rice makes you gain weight. Why am I the only person who didn't know this? Hahaha looks like I won't be having any of that anymore. Oh boy and I've gotten so sick of soup. I can't even look at it anymore. There are so many different kinds, but now it all just tastes the same to me. Right now, I am soooo craving any sort of snack. I haven't eaten one single snack in the entire 15 days I've been here. It's so crazy considering I used to live on snacks back in the US. I think Isabelle and I are gonna go up to the Super maxi soon and buy our own snacks. She misses them too. Hahah.

Tomorrow I start school. I really am not looking forward to it at all. I'm taking the hardest classes. I seriously am praying that next year when I go back to the US, they give me credit for being here.

I leave for language camp on Tuesday which makes me happy since I'll be missing basically this whole week of school. And also I'll be with a bunch of other exchange students which is always a good time.



Listen to this song once and it'll be stuck in your head forever. I can't even explain to you the amount of times I hear this song playing every day.

I'll try and post an update tomorrow after school and let you know if I'm still alive. Jajaja chao.

"When you're unhappy, everything in the world; reading, eating, sleeping - has something buried somewhere inside it that just makes you unhappier."- Unknown


My 16th birthday is in 5 days. I wish I could be excited. I don't want presents, I don't want cake. I want to be home with my family and friends.

I'm tiny and I'd love to pretend I could stand alone.

I have to say, crying myself to sleep every night is certainly an experience.

The fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore is the worst part about being here. Some nights I go to sleep happy and looking forward to what life has to offer, but then there are also those nights I go to sleep with a wet pillow,puffy eyes and a heart full of nothing.
I know the decision I made about coming was a good one but I was never fully aware of the many consequences that came along with my decision. No matter how ready I said I was to leave, I was never ready at all. No one could ever prepare themselves for such emotional stress. It almost feels like everyone I once knew has died and now it's just their ghosts that are haunting me.

On a lighter note......
I spent the weekend at the country house in Malacatos. Ecuador and the US have many differences but the one I notice the most is the way they eat. Every morning I have fruit, eggs, coffee and fresh juice. The breakfast can more or less be similar to a breakfast in the US depending on how you look at it.
Lunch here is the biggest meal of the day. And is also the most contradicting to the US. Everyday around 3 lunch is served. First you get a bowl of soup, usually potatoe or green banana. Then, the main meal normally consists of rice, flavored chicken, salad with spices, and spaghetti with meat. Following that you get ice cream with a warm fig. After ice cream, you get coffee. If anyone from the US can say they get a lunch like that everyday then they should consider themselves extremely fortunate.
Dinner here is usually a snack. Or never eaten at all. I've been here 11 days and have yet to eat dinner.

I'm done writing and want to go sleep forever and ever and ever and ever.
Toodles

I can't title my emotions today.

"Sometimes I feel like I speak my own language. A language that no one understands. If I'm being pulled under how can I reach out? I feel so close yet I'm so far away. I can't remember what it feels like to not be misunderstood."



This year will be filled with beautiful people and beautiful memories. I have yet to come across an unfriendly Ecuadorian. Everyone here is so warm and welcoming. It somewhat fills the empty void I have for my family.

I met my counselor today. He was really nice and made sure everything was going well. We talked about the trips I'll be going on this year. I'm so excited for the Galapagos trip. I've heard so many amazing stories and can't wait to come back and have stories of my own. Additionally I had my first Rotary meeting tonight. I had to get up in front of everyone and talk about myself in Spanish. What a nightmare that was. I sounded like a robot, I swear they don't teach you anything in school.

My host family is super nice. The family consists of a mom, dad, two sons, and two daughters. I am the only one living in the house though. The house they live in is sosososo beautiful. The grandfathers house is in the country, it's about 30 minutes away from Loja. The house has so much personality. It's stunning. I've been there twice, and each time i've visited i've had wonderful home cooked meals. The whole family (about 15 of us) sit down all together at the table for about an hour and just talk about life before we eat (I mostly listen, considering I apparently know diddly squat in Spanish). At his house they produce sugar cane for alcohol, I got to see how it's produced and it's pretty interesting.

There are a lot of street dogs here. I wish I could just take them all home too cuddle with me. It makes me miss my dog even more.

The second I got on that airplane to guayaquil, I shut my eyes and dosed off into dreamland. I dreamt I was back in the arms of my mother at the airport. I dreamt ecuador was a made up place where people go to escape from time to time to get away from their problems.
Everytime I'd peak open my eyes to finally make my way back into reality, I noticed the woman next to me was starring at me. I couldn't tell if my head were blocking the window, or if she was a just a mind reader and my thoughts were so messed up she couldnt even get a signal. Slowly but surely I made a consious effort to move my head and completely open my eyes. As my surroundings became rugged and the pit in my stomach grew, I saw a new horizon. I saw myself through the glass window, waking up in the thick atomosphere of a new country. I saw distant faces of family and friends. I saw a mural of stars that spelt out greif. I woke up with my father and sisters letters sitting in my lap, unread. The last thing I remembered was reading the first sentence of my sisters letter and putting it back in the envople. Tears filled my eyes again but I tilt my head back to avoid the mess.
Once the plane landed I knew nothing in my life was ever going to be the same. I felt pain but this pain wasnt the kind of pain I'm used too. Its almost as if I were shattering into a million peices. Twenty thousand peices of me scattered in New york with the ones I love. And the rest scattered in Ecuador with the ones I have yet to discover. I am the cause of this distruction and I am going to be the one to put myself back together.

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.”

Have you ever had that feeling, when you just know you are meant to do something? Your intuition takes over, and deep in your soul you are positive the right decision lay before you?

That is how I feel about opening my eyes to the world around me. I have always wanted to be the change in the world. But I wondered how do I get there unless I actually see it? That is when I realized, that I should pursue studying abroad in a completely new culture filled with new and exciting people.

Most people question why I chose Ecuador. My answer? It chose me. Ecuador is exotic and exciting. Very few people I know have actually visited Ecuador before, so I guess that's why I can sense hesitation from them when I talk about it. From what I've heard and read, Ecuador is an amazing country. My Aunt Sonia is from Ecuador and she has given me so much insight on what I'm about to experience. When she was my age she came from Ecuador to America as an exchange student.

I've recently been connecting over the internet with a bunch of kids my age from Loja, the town in Ecuador which I am going to live in. Every single one of them is so sweet and tells me how excited they are I am coming.

Yesterday marked exactly one month from when I will be leaving. My host family called me for the first time and I was able to speak with every member of the family. It almost brought me to tears how nice and welcoming they seemed. They speak some English which definitely takes some of the worrisome off my shoulders about my first month there while I am getting settled, still not being completely comfortable speaking fluent Spanish.

Charmed life

So, 37 days until I leave for Ecuador? Every day I become more and more excited. Of course I'm sad to be leaving all the new friends I just made but I always think about how many more new friends I'm going to make in Loja. This experience will fulfill my dreams. Being able to experience a new culture and explore the world at such a young age makes me so happy.